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I ALMOST HAD IT

1/5/2018

Welcome to the crossroads....i was 18 years old lost and pissed at the world. Trapped. Painting graffiti was no longer enough. Music was no longer enough. The psychedelics made it worse. It was nearly midnight on a cool night in June and an old friend left me at the Taft yard in Orlando Florida. It was now that i would either stay in my shell and eventually implode or id move on. It took me three tries to get on the train that night. I was a lone and never caught out before. When i finally was able to run fast enough and grab that ladder i knew right there and then this was the beginning. That was 6 years ago. Since then i have been in a whirlwind of confusion. Medicating myself through markals and alcohol. Moving faster and faster knowing that maybe ill figure it out on that next ride. What i didnt know at the time was that the railroad would help me and hurt me. Ive been in a dark place for some time now and desperate to leave. The rails showed me my true self and made me aware of the fact that i didnt like who i was. I think about my friends a lot because i owe them the world. Sometimes i sit up at night and wonder where slyfox is and if hes alright, or if my homie Retik or birdflu is still pushin on forward. Its my friends that kept me alive and the rails that kept me going. Its in my blood. I remeber the rush i felt as i approached the Canadian border wondering if ill make it through the checkpoint or be haulted into handcuffs or that time foks and i hopped out of st louis on the fly as the bull was on the other side of the train looking for us. These feelings were always such a strong reminder that I am here and i still got energy to push on with. This is the first time in my life i think i can grab ahold of the wheel and take control. Ive seen 360 degrees and the miles traveled and the people that got my back have all been noted. Sometimes you just have to stop in your tracks for one brief second and think. Whats the point. Maybe there is no point to any of this and maybe thats not such a bad thing. Just go. Climb high. Smoke a blunt. Go steal that paint. Get on that fuckin train. Do what ever you want! Just dont be stagnant. Move forward and keep your pace. Grow. You dont have to win you dont even have to come fucking close!! Just try, and thats good enough. Its crazy how important the railroad has been in my life and i owe my world to its rusty rails and screeching wheels. They set me free. Or at least gave me the option of choice. Ive chose wrong...ive chose worse, a few times i chose better but most of all i chose. I guess what im trying to say is that im just thankful, im thankful for the people who got my back when i was angry drunk and raising hell. The ones who got me out the cold when i missed my train. Theres people i have yet to meet that have extended their hand and helped me to keep going. Im nobody and if i die that way thats fine with me. I was here. I touched a surface and left a mark that one day will also fade away. Nothing is forever and im starting to love the idea of that. One day i to will be forgotten. But for a brief moment in our time myself. My lady. Our friends. We were here. We raised hell on these rails and we still are!! I dont believe there is anything after this life and that sits just okay with me. When my time comes whether its next month or in ten years I will grow and then i will rest. One day ill be the person i think i can be, no one deserves to me angry all of the time. Its a choice. Ive tricked myself into thinking im so tired that i cant progress. I look at others and think fuck...i want that. And one day i will. One day. Ill find my peace with the world or atleast myself. Things still dont make sense but guess what. I dont fuckin care anymore, at least as of now i think im just gonna try and have a good time. My name is Hatsorax, some of you know me. Most of you dont. Remember me well...